• Two cool guys and little ol’ me, clutching their hot-off-the-press manga ‘SF Null’ (大西大 × 弓塲勇作 「SF ヌル null」 (mograg.com)) It was weird and I couldn’t read 95% of it, but I’ll get around to it soon.

A recap then, as it’s been a while and my posting schedule is all out of whack. I got off the flight, embarrassed myself, went to a 7-Eleven, embarrassed myself again, and then… Wait, I didn’t travel very far at all, did I? This really is tedious.

I checked in to Guest House Izumi (Guest House Izumi, Izumi-Sano), a beautiful little apartment with en suite toilet and shower, a shared cooking area with a sink, a microwave, a kettle, a… well, that was it, but who needs self-catering when you’re in the land of restaurant-quality convenience store deliciousness on every street corner?

Like an overexcited child on Christmas morning, I dumped my bags, changed my shirt and ran straight to the restaurant next door, Asahi-tei (https://goo.gl/maps/5RbxfwpenYh1Q4Xb8), and had a Lunch Set accompanied by a big ol’ frozen glass of Asahi. It was the moment that the reality of my situation hit me, and so I took a few moments to appreciate just how wild and unexpected a twist my journey had taken in the last few days.

• It was a good bit of scran for around £11 all in. The owners were friendly and were amused to find a Lesser Spotted Bearded Western Man in their establishment. It never gets old, ‘Nihongo jouzu!’ and all that. (‘Nihongo jouzu’ essentially means ‘Your Japanese is good,’ and you can get ‘jouzu’d’ by the Japanese for any level of Japanese, from ordering a coffee to having a reasonably in-depth conversation.)

Suitably loaded up on grease and carbs, it was on to the first proper stop, Namba Bears, central Osaka, for a prime bit of weirdness. I’d never heard of Risa Takeda before, but a quick glance on YouTube ensured I was sold.

What luck, first night in Osaka and some super cool experimental JRPG tunes to have a splendid time to. I hopped on the train (Nankai Limited Express, 33 minutes north) and arrived in Namba. I had left a little early as I was a tad overexcited, so spent an hour or two wandering Osaka’s neon evening streets.

• It may not look like much, and the photograph does it little justice, but this little stretch of road going straight on, to the right of the McDonalds, was to form a substantial part of my Osaka itinerary.

As with all cities, it’s great to find a little microcosm of cool, where so many fascinating people spend their evenings and where so many neat things happen. I wandered around in circles amongst the lights and the noise, before making my way to the venue, about a third of a kilometre down aforementioned street and to the right.

• The toilet in Namba Bears, a veritable ‘who’s-who’ stickerfest of weird, noisy, downright ‘orrible bands.

• First set, Risa Takeda, then Risa Takeda and Seiichi Yamamoto as a duo.

• Risa Takeda being weird, she was pretty far-out, even for me.

• Seiichi Yamamoto, former Boredoms legend and owner ofNamba Bears.

• Watch them at work. At their weird, noisy work.

Well, Namba Bears was exciting, and I got well and truly into the flow of Osaka’s nightlife. So much so, I got home Very Late Indeed™ (or Very Early Indeed™, depending on your viewpoint) and spent most of the day in bed. Then, well, I went back to Osaka, and had another great time. This time, I ended up at a karaoke bar with two lovely Americans who were a lot of fun to talk to and a Finnish research scientist, with whom I had a deep and entirely uninformed conversation about fluid dynamics.

How good was my Saturday? Well, I only took one photo and it was of a crepe van that made me laugh. A Jolly Good Time™.

• ‘I’m a Dipper Dan man.’ – Ulysses Everett McGill , 1930s.

Saturday became Sunday, and Sunday became fairly challenging to navigate. I awoke feeling less than certain about my life expectancy, and so opted for my trusty cure-all; a Big Ol’ Walk™ (That’s enough ™ing, – Ed.)

• Not the prettiest coast, but functional.

• 海に生きる – Umi ni ikiru – ‘Live by the sea’. A few feet away were statues saying ‘Laugh by the sea,’ and ‘Love by the sea,’ but I didn’t get photos of those.

• One day I’ll take ’em all on. And I’ll win. Fair play though, some big ol’ fish on there.

• It was a drab–looking school so they jazzed it up with some super cute daubings.

• Vandals! Thank you!

• There was loads of graffiti on an otherwise dull underpass. Great work, graffito-taggers.

For whatever reasons (Ray)… call it fate, call it luck, call it karma, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe I was destined to get thrown into this…

A free entry all-day festival of Osaka’s finest homegrown talent, surrounded by stalls selling cocktails, beers, sandwiches and local arts and crafts? I just couldn’t believe my luck. These things happen though, when you go a-wandering.

And I had wandered, and wandered, and wandered some more and had finally made it to Rinku Town, not very far from Izumisano, as the crow flies, but my meandering path meant I had racked up a fair few of the ol’ kms by this point. It had been consistently drizzly the whole way, however soon after this photo was taken, the sky cleared and it became thoroughly acceptable.

There were some cool acts, someone gave me a CD, another appreciated my kind words, it was all-round pretty darn good.

• Lil Merry. Not really my bag, but her set was cool and she spent ages chatting to people afterwards.

There was a neat energy there, and I was surprised at the turn out for a lineup of lesser known independent artists on a dreary day.

And then… magic happened.

And, as with most magic, it’s impossible to know it’s actually happening until it’s actually happening. This is a band called ET-KING, Osaka-based heroes who formed in 1999. It was blimmin’ fantastic, catchy as flip, and everyone in attendance was loving it. There is little that is more uplifting to the soggy, neglected spirit than a gaggle of perfect strangers singing in perfect harmony to absolute bangers.

• This song has been on loop in my head, on and off, for nearly four months now.

Well, I had a dance, had a sing a long and met some great people, but it was a strictly daytime affair and everyone dispersed rapidly once ET-KING had finished.

• Ending, 3:45?!?! Naaaaaaaaaahh mate…

I felt lost, dejected, abandoned, cast unto hell, I felt like I had been promised the world, been given a taste and then had the entirety of existence torn out from under me. I was in freefall, and I knew the only option was to get some delicious food, go home, have an early night and begin my Monday fresh as a daisy and raring to go.

• Me, Monday morning, somewhere in Osaka.

So I plumped for Option B (B is for Bad) and made my way to Osaka city centre. I got on a train, I couldn’t stop myself, it’s like I was being drawn by some huge, terrible, hilarious magnet. I went back to the aforementioned Street of Dreams™ (No, – Ed.) and found a really, really cool little horumon restaurant, Tachi Horu Death, with some really cool folk sitting outside (see Picture #1).

• ‘Horumon’ is pork or beef offal and I’m mad for it.

We talked profoundly insightful nonsense about manga, anime, film, music and other weird things. It was fun. In fact, it was so much fun that I missed my last train. A taxi to Izumisano was going to cost me upward of £70, so they very kindly offered me their floor for the night. The apartment was a veritable treasure trove of weird books, extreme music, art and collectibles. We sat up for a few hours, as I scanned the CD collection, hopping up and down excitedly again and again, at the sight of some rare piece of treasure I never thought I’d physically hold. I was passed many books, and we had a great time.

• Here’s one.

Time took its awful toll, Monday morning pounced upon me, and my first weekend was at an end. Thank Christ, another day of that and I would have probably melted into my own shoes.

• As if Monday itself were manifest in physical form, I was greeted by this on the way to the station.

• Osaka isn’t always the most beautiful city, but corners like this still, even after four visits, transport me to misspent hours long since past, marvelling over the grey landscapes of Japanese cities. More specifically, I always feel a little bit like I’m actually in Tetsuo: The Iron Man, an iconic bit of 90s Japanese body horror. Hopefully this feeling will never leave me.

• Tetsuo: The Iron Man. Give it a watch if you haven’t before. It’s a treat.

There’s more to come. I’ve only covered about 72 hours so far. It became a fair bit more sedate after this. Oh no, wait. No it didn’t.

Osaka, I miss you. X

• Coming soon! Why is there an outside mini-arcade in Izumisano? Who would just leave a digital slot machine, a flat screen TV an original Famicon (SNES) games console and a basketful vintage SNES cartridges outside, on the street, permanently, unattended, for anyone and everyone to enjoy? Why hasn’t this all been stolen and sold to Cash Converters to buy White Lightning and rollies? All will be revealed.…